Death and dying are subjects that most of us prefer to
avoid. That is understandable, since we usually associate death with loss,
grief and pain, and many of us fear it. But by avoiding the
subject we miss the opportunity to discuss a fundamental aspect
of our lives, and gloom and doom are not going to bring maturity
in dealing with the matter.
Death is a part of life. Death is universal; everyone dies. We may
be confronted with death unexpectedly, or we may be able to
prepare ourselves for it. Thinking about death is part of that
preparation. So let's look death in the eyes and deal with it. If
you don't feel up to that right now, don't force yourself. But try
again later when you feel that the time is right, because we need
to know about death before we can truly live with it.
We all have lost relatives, friends or acquaintances at some stage
in our lives. Many of us have already experienced death during
childhood. Favorite pets may have died, or we may have lost
grandparents or other members of our family. Death is so familiar
to us, even when we're young.
Perhaps this is how we come to associate death with loss. Usually,
our first thought when someone dies, especially when we are young,
is that that person is gone, and that we are left behind.
Death has always been a part of our lives. It is the proverbially
unavoidable common factor in our existence. We all have been born,
and we all will die eventually. Most of us don't like it, but
there's no escaping it. Death is the great equalizer, and he fact
that it affects us all makes it easier to accept. We know that our
physical existence is temporary, and we know that it will end
someday.
Yet death is a major cause of grief in our human lives. Children
may cry because they will never see grandmother again, parents may
cry because their children have not lived to grow up and realize
their potential, you and I may cry because we have lost someone
very dear. Pain and grief are part of our experience of death. The
pain caused by the loss of a beloved can be so strong that it can
even destroy the lives of those who are left behind.
How do we cope with death in our lives? Usually, we cherish the
memories that we have of the deceased. We relive the times that we
shared with our loved ones, and we try to make sure that they are
not forgotten. Photographs of the deceased may become very dear to
us. We erect headstones or tombs to serve as a monument to the
deceased. We conduct memorial services. And we remember.
But why do we grieve? Why do we feel pain?
Let's be very honest with ourselves here. The most intense feeling that
we experience is one of parting, a feeling of loss. That is a very
painful sensation, and often we cry. We are very much aware of the
emptiness that the departure of a loved one leaves behind, and
the pain caused by such a loss is so strong that it has to
be experienced to be understood. We suddenly realize how very
special those around us really are. We don't know what we've got
until it's gone, and that realization only makes the feeling of
loss more intense.
But we mourn our own loss. We have to continue
our lives without the presence of a loved one, a presence that we
enjoyed so much, and we feel that loss very deeply. It is not just
death that we grieve about. It's having to give up the presence of
our beloved that causes grief.
This is something we should realize: essentially, we cry for
ourselves.
And what about our own death? What would it mean to us if we
should die right now? We wouldn't be able to do the things that we
might have wanted to do. We would have to leave our loved ones
behind, knowing that our death will cause them grief and that they
will have to live out their lives without us. We would have to
give up all material aspects of our existence. We would have to
take a jump into the unknown.
Instinctively, we avoid death. Our bodies are geared towards
survival, and our primary reflex is to resist death at all times.
Intellectually we may know that death is not the end of life, if
that is our belief. We may accept death. But instinctively we
fear it.
Apart from our reflexive fear of death, we may also fear the process
of dying itself. Dying is often a traumatic experience, both for
those who die and for those who stay behind. There may be pain, or
suffering. There may be illness, or refusal to give up our present
lives, or a feeling that we have lost all control over our destiny.
Obviously, the business of dying is not something that should be taken
lightly.
That is one of the reasons why we should take a closer look at our
fear of dying. Exactly what are we afraid of? Are we afraid to suffer?
Are we afraid to be separated by our loved ones? Are we afraid of the
unknown? Do we experience instinctive survival reflexes that tell us
to avoid death at any cost? Or is it rather the thought that death is
an end to our existence as an individual?
We should ask ourselves these questions. The answers (and maybe even
the questions themselves) will be different for each and everyone of
us. But to identify our fears is the first step in facing them, and
eventually in overcoming them.
We associate death with loss, and instinctively we try to survive.
But does that fully explain our attitude of fear and resistance
to death?
Often our first thought, when we are confronted with death, is
that the deceased is gone, forever, and that we well have to spend
the rest of our lives without our loved one. But when we sit down
and think about it, we may realize that that's not the end of
it.
We wonder about the reason for our existence. Just looking at our
lives makes us wonder. We are born, grow up, learn a trade, and
make a living. We may marry and have children, or we may remain
single and devote our lives to a cause, a career, or any other
goal we find worth pursuing. We may live to grow old, or we may
not. But ultimately we die. Some of us leave behind something permanent,
such as a contribution to human culture or knowledge, and become part
of human history. But the majority of us leaves behind little more
than a few worldly possessions, and memories in the minds of
people who will eventually die themselves.
If this is all there is to our existence, then our fear of death
seems justified, as does our resistance to dying. After all, this
would make death the ultimate end, a final vanishing into
oblivion, the ultimate disappointment.
But what if this is not the case? What if death does not
mean an end to existence? What if we continue to exist when we die?
Then death would not be an end, but also a new beginning. Death
would be a change, a transition, a transformation. To die would
mean to move on, to progress from one level of existence to the
next.
Of course, we often fear change. We fear the unknown, especially
if such a change is forced upon us while we don't know what the
result of such a change might be. But we should also realize that
without change there is only stagnation, and that change does not
only mean that we give up something, but also that we get
something new in return.
Many religions teach that there is some form of afterlife, and
long before organized religion became widespread, people lived with
the understanding that the deceased will live on in another place
after death. The realm of the dead has many names: Hades, Asgard,
Walhalla, Heaven, the Underworld. But do we need to turn to
religion or mythology to have an opinion about life after death?
Perhaps not.
Let's take a close look at ourselves. What are we? We exist on
many different levels at once. Our existence as a physical being
starts at the moment of conception, when the nucleus of a sperm
merges with that of an ovum, and a new DNA-pattern is formed. To
put it very simply, the DNA in the cells merges into a new
combination of molecules, which then splits in two separate
halves. Both parts accumulate new material and, in the process of
cell division, they grow back into an entire nucleus, and now
now there are to cells. Then the whole process is repeated, again
and again, forming new cells from 'raw' material. The building
blocks are very complex, and we do not yet understand all the
chemistry involved. But if we look at it this way, conception
and growth of a human being is just an enormously complex chemical
reaction, of which we are the end product. This reaction goes on
and on, until we die. Then the body decomposes, and the chemicals
bonded in it are released to be used again as raw material for other,
similar reactions. In other words, at the physical level we are
nothing more than a very complex chemical reaction.
Even our brains work through electrochemical processes. Chemical
reactions cause an electric potential, current flows from one end
of a neuron to the other, and triggers new chemical reactions. The
electrical activity can be measured, and the process can be influenced
by certain chemicals.
But do we only exist at this physical level? If this is all there
is to our existence, why do we think about it? What is it
that makes us sentient? What is it that seems to live two or
three inches behind our eyes and that looks out into the world?
Why do we exist?
Without getting too philosophical, we can reasonably assume that
chemistry does not define our existence completely. Can chemical
compounds love each other? Can they grieve when other chemical
reactions have run their course and cease to be? Can they
wonder where they came from and where they will go?
Of course not. Granted, our knowledge of chemistry does not even
come close to producing anything as complex at a living being. But
even with the knowledge we have today, we can safely state that
human beings are much more than just biochemical phenomena.
Consider newborn babies: red, yelling, and ugly in anyones eyes
but their parents'. They communicate: they cry, they move, they
can (and do) let their parents know when they're happy, hungry or
uncomfortable. They have a personality. Of course,
it is a child's personality, and they may be unable to express it
fully, but it's there.
Obviously, we exist on more levels than just the physical.
Where does our personality come from? Where does consciousness
come from? And where does it go when we die? All parents who have
held their newborn children, and felt the love for that tiny human
being, know that a human life doesn't suddenly 'pop up'
out of nowhere. So where, and what, are we before we are born?
Seen in this light, the similarity between birth and death is
remarkable. If we exist in some form before we are born, then we
leave that form of existence and enter the phase of our physical
existence, the "incarnate life" if you will. When that
incarnate phase has been completed, a similar transition takes us
along to the next phase.
In this process, death is nothing but a step we need to take in
order to travel on. With each step we leave something behind, as is
the nature of traveling. We may not like it, but it is the price
we have to pay in order to move on. And we will move on,
because if we would stay in one place our existence would become
static, anemic and meaningless, and could never serve any real
purpose.
Think about it... We are traveling together on the same train. The
train stops along the way, and some of us get on and off at different
stations. Between stations, we travel together. We welcome those
who get on the train, and we say goodbye to those who get off. We
choose our stations according to our own needs, knowing that we will
have to get off the train when it reaches our station.
When we get off, we settle down along with the other people
who have left the train there, and we go about our business
together. And if we have spent enough time at that station, we may
get restless, or bored, or curious about the next station. And we
may wait for the train to come by and stop again. We say goodbye
to the other people at the station, and we travel on. This time we
travel with different people, who get on and off the train at
different stations, but apart from that little has changed.
And if we travel long enough, we will get to know the stations
along the track. We will meet people on the train whom we have
traveled with before, and perhaps we will recognize some of
them.
And one day we may realize that we are all part of the same crowd,
that we are all part of the total sum of people who travel on the
train. And though we still may wonder where the track will lead,
and what our ultimate destination may be like, we will know that
traveling on the train means that we are getting there. We will
see that we always are where we have chosen to
be.
"Do not mourn the death of your beloved, do not call back the traveller, for you know not what he seeks. [...] No creature that has ever been born has really belonged to another."
-- Inayat Khan
If we want to travel on, then we have to depart. That may be difficult. But perhaps it's worth the effort, after all.