Everyone is afraid of something.
In fact, for many people fear is one of the most important things that
controls the course of their lives, even if they're not aware of it. We all
tend to avoid the things that we fear, and therefore we often don't recognize
them as something we're afraid of, deep down inside.
living with our fears is natural. A certain amount of fear in our lives is
a natural thing. In fact, fear is the underlying emotion for many other
feelings. A woman can be angry with her husband and scold him for coming
home late without calling. Why? Because she's been worried sick, and then
her worry for her husband's wellbeing changes into worry because he hasn't
bothered to call home to let her know he'd be late.
In many cases emotions such as anger, hate or pride are often caused by
fear, and it may cause us to behave arrogant, whimsical or distant. We're
so good in hiding fear behind these 'secondary' emotions that we often can't
see our own fear.
Together with love, the other 'primary' emotion, fear is one of the most
powerful forces that drive us.
A certain amount of fear is natural. But some fears get out of hand.
Sometimes the fear becomes so strong, so real, that it will present itself
in its raw form, as cold, blind terror. The fear will become a reality,
the most important thing in life. That kind of fear can keep you awake at
nights, it can paralyze you by day, and it will effectively keep you from
doing what you need to overcome it.
This is the kind of fear that needs to be controlled, that needs to be
conquered. In some cases that may seem impossible. But it can be
done.
The first step in dealing with fear is learning to recognize it for what
it is. Recognizing (and in some cases analyzing) our fears is very important
in the process of dealing with them.
Ultimately, there is one fear that is the basis of all others: the fear that
we may not be able to deal with whatever may happen. That 'basic'
fear manifests itself in two forms.
Fear itself is a mechanism that resides in the 'animal part' of ourselves,
a mechanism intended to keep us out of harmful situations. Fear of heights,
for example, is a mechanism that tries to keep us out of those situations
where falling is a possibility. Fear of spiders (and other black hairy things
that crawl around on too many legs) might keep us away from potentially
harmful varieties. Fear of drowning keeps us out of the water. In fact
these are very 'sensible' fears.
Then there are those fears based upon previous experience. Someone
who has nearly drowned may be afraid to swim. Someone who has been abused
may fear people. Someone who has nearly been electrocuted may be afraid
to plug in an appliance. These fears are 'learned' fears, and it's a way
for our subconscious to say "Hey, you've been there before and it hurt,
don't do it again."
The first kind of fear, the reflexive kind, may be overcome by realizing
what the fear is trying to do: it is nothing but a reflex to keep us
out of harms way, to make us avoid situations that we can't handle. Those
instinctive fears don't take into account our ability to cope with certain
situations, or other factors that minimize danger.
For example, I may be afraid of heights, but if there is no danger of
falling, there's really nothing to be afraid of. The height itself, after
all, isn't all that dangerous, it's the fall that can do harm. But my
subconscious fear-reflex, the animal instinct if you will, doesn't realize
that, and it reacts.
(Some people actually enjoy this. A good fear jolt will get the adrenaline
flowing, it will speed up the heart rate and heighten the blood pressure.
It's what makes thrillseekers bunji-jump from a bridge, skydive out of a plane
or drive a car at 300 miles per hour. They know they can control the situation,
but there's just enough fear to start the adrenaline rush that they enjoy
so much.)
So my fear of heights is a normal reflex. But the fear is blind. Because
the fear reflex doesn't know much about safety measures, my knees tend to feel
weak whenever I look down from a great height, whether I like it or not.
However, realizing that the fear is just a reflex to prevent the danger of
falling helps a lot. The reflex to be afraid is still there... but now I can
tell myself that, yes, I'm afraid, but it's a reflex that knows nothing about
the details of the current situation. I really can't fall, and now I'm
going to do whatever I set out to do. I've been feeding this body for
thirty-odd years now, so this time it's bloody well going to do what I
want.
The fear won't go away, the reflex is still there, my knees will still feel
weak and my stomach tight... but at least I can now realize that I
am in charge of myself, and not the fear.
The second kind of fear, the one we learn, is more difficult, since
the past has proven that we were in situations that we could not handle.
"Look", the fear will tell you, "You did nearly die
by drowning or or by fire, you did suffer abuse you were unable to
defend yourself against." And we will be afraid of situations that
seemed so very safe before, and that still feel safe to others. Love your
dog and he'll greet you when you come home, but kick him hard enough and
often enough and he'll cower when you enter the room.
Overcoming these fears isn't all that easy. First of all it requires
learning to deal with the situations that we're afraid of, or changing
the situation so that the trauma can never occur again. If I nearly drowned,
for example, maybe I should learn to swim better. If I nearly died in a fire,
perhaps I should install safety equipment and train myself in a few good fire
drills. If I suffered abuse, perhaps I should learn to be more assertive and
train for self defense.
Even more important is to realize that the current situation is different from the one that caused the fear. For example, if I nearly got killed in a certain building, I may be afraid to go in there again. By taking every possible precaution against further harm and then going in anyway, I prove to myself that I am in charge, and not the fear. I learn to see that what happened once doesn't have to happen again. And eventually the fear reflex will understand this as well, although it may be a slow learner.
The bottom line: fear only has power over us if we allow it to. We
cannot just ignore the reflexes, we cannot pretend they're not there. It
doesn't work that way. But everyone is afraid of something. It's part of
what we are, it's part of being human. We should not let the fear control
us. We do that frequently... and stopping it is difficult... but it can
be done.
Realize what your fears are. Recognize them for what they are. Tell
them that they have no power over you.
Respect your fears... acknowledge them... but do not let them control
you. You are in control, and fear has no power of its own. It's
perfectly all right to be afraid. It's not a sign of weakness or of
failure. Everyone is afraid, everyone has fears. Fear is part of us, part
of what we are. I know, admitting fear is not the macho behavior that
modern society often demands of us... but macho characters are just as
often afraid as anyone... but they're also afraid of letting it show.
Fear is like old shoes. You put them on in the morning, take them off
in the evening. They've come to fit you perfectly, and you wouldn't
know what to do without them. If you buy new shoes, you still tend to
prefer the old ones that fit you so well... But one day you're going
to need new shoes, because your old ones only have so much more mileage
left in them.
So eventually you just have to replace them... You have to take off your
trusty old shoes and put on new ones. It's a simple choice: either you
get new shoes, or you stay home for the rest of your life.
Just as you wouldn't leave home without your shoes on, you can't just leave the fear behind you and expect not to have cold feet. You need something to replace the fear with. Things like hope, optimism, self-confidence. These will be your new shoes.
At first, take it easy. Would you buy new shoes and start a foot trek
to the other side of the continent? I think not... At least, I wouldn't.
You need to get used to you new shoes. You need to 'break them in'. So
you put them on and you take short walks. You just stroll around the
block. You wear them for a morning at the office where you can sit down,
and if your feet really hurt you can take them off.
Only after your feet and your new shoes have gotten used to each other,
you start wearing them every day, and then you're ready for that foot
trek. If you start out too soon, you'll only have blisters and sore
feet.
Fear is like that. Yes, you have to leave the fear behind you and
replace it by positive feelings, and you can do the things the fear
kept you from doing... but you need to get used to it.
Take short walks, so to speak. Get used to your new emotional footwear.
Before you know it your new shoes have come to fit you just as well as
your old ones did... and you're ready for that long walk that the sorry
condition of your old shoes kept you from undertaking.
Easy? No. But then, few things that are really worthwhile ever are. New
shoes take some getting used to, and a blister or two is not uncommon.
But in the end, you'll walk the distance.
If fear is playing a major role in our lives, the things that we fear
become reality. We just know that if we try this or that, we're
going to fail. Soon this thought pattern becomes a habit, and from then
on we don't even try to break it, because we "know" that it's
beyond our ability.
Habits are hard to break, and this one is no exception. However, the most
important thing is to get started. When breaking in new shoes, the important
thing is to walk, not to be getting anywhere. That comes later.
There are a few things that might help. There's not one-size-fits-all
method, there is no 'cookbook' to describe how to deal with any particular
kind of fear pattern. But there are a few rules of thumb.
Welcome to the new you!